Did You Miss Me?

I know it has been a few months since my last post.  And I have been scolded and asked what is new, so I'm FINALLY taking the time to let you know.  Since that last doctors visit on January 7th, I've done NOTHING to do with fertility.  It has been an amazing change.  2013 was going to be a new year, but I just didn't realize how! (and we're only 1/3 way through)

On January 8th, I started a 6 week boot camp with my mom.  I really didn't know what to expect but after the first week, I realized that I was going to get my ass kicked!! But I needed to start losing weight, eating healthy and change my lifestyle.  I found after two weeks of:
1) no fertility drugs
2) exercise
3) eating healthy
I FELT GREAT!! I was feeling myself and not that crazy/fat/hormonal self! I realized how out of shape I was and started to really be mindful of what I put in my body and I changed my lifestyle!  Here are the "BEFORE" pictures that Cole took of me on January 8th:

Notice how heavy my face looks! And my shorts are skin tight on my legs.  And my gut hangs out over my boobs! Not pretty!! I had hid behind the idea that I was trying to get pregnant so why try to lose weight for WAY TOO LONG!  and when I looked at these pictures after Cole took them, I thought to myself -- what have you done to yourself?? Well three months later (two 6-week boot camps)  I am feeling pretty good about myself! I'm not even half way there and am starting to realize it's going to be about a year before I'm where I want to be, but I'm still feeling so much better about myself just from getting off the couch and working out! 

So if you notice - shorts are lose! There is space between my legs and the shorts! I only have one chin and my boobs stick out more than my gut!! I haven't lost as much in lbs but I have lost inches like crazy!! I seriously have a pile of "fat clothes" that don't fit me anymore!! (I'm saving them for when I get pregnant)

Now all I need to do is get a tan (Fat always looks better when it's tan!!)

Here are some of the areas I've lost:
Weight - 7.6 lbs
Chest/Rib - 0.5"
Arms - 1"
Waist (around BB) - 2.5"
Abs (2" below BB) - 4"
Hips - 3"
Thighs - 0.75"

Sorry this blog is bragging but I'm just so proud of how far I've come! And I am so excited to keeping getting healthier! I've always loved myself for who I am, but I'm loving a smaller, tighter me too!!

So I'm getting healthy and losing weight but every month when I get my period my heart is heavy.  I haven't given up on the idea of having a baby, but I just couldn't keep going down the path I was going down. 

One of my mom's Aunts called me a couple of weeks ago and gave me her daughters number.  She went to a holistic doctor and swears that is what got her pregnant.  I have a family friend who is a chiropractor and has also reached out to me about making an appointment with him to see how he can help.  I love the support that I've gotten from this blog.  And everytime I'm out on the town, it's so much better because of this blog.  Instead of asking me why Cole and I haven't "popped one out" yet they are now going, is there alcohol in that glass?? and then they smile... because they are there with me on this journey! So thank you to all my friends and family for ALL the support you've given me! I couldn't do it without you!!  Here's to losing more lbs and inches!!

Set Backs

So I started my cycle on Saturday, January 5th and as I said on my last blog post, I had to go in on days 2, 3 or 4 of my cycle to have initial testings done and start the Tetrozole on day 3.  So Monday (the 7th) I went in to have the tests done.  They wanted to do another ultrasound and found that the ovulation cysts on my ovaries hadn't decreased enough in size.

I don't think I've explained exactly how an egg is made or released for ovulation.  So what happens in weeks 1 and 2 of your cycle your ovaries create cysts and the cysts produce an egg and when they get the LH surge on day 14 of the cycle, they release the egg and the cyst dissolves. 

My cysts are abnormally large and do not dissolve.  When I had my ultrasound on Monday, Dec. 31st there was a cyst on both ovaries (that is why the assume I ovulated from both ovaries) and when I went back in on Monday, Jan. 7th, the cyst on my left ovary had dissolved but the cyst on my right ovary went from 24.2 to 15.4 units.  They have a policy that they do not do the treatment if the cysts are larger than 14 units, and even though it decreased by 8.5 units, it was still too large to do the treatment this month.  They said because its size decreased, they aren't too alarmed but want to keep an eye on it. 

I still have my doctor's appointment with Dr. Phipps on Monday, Jan. 28th to decide next steps.  We will also see what my ovaries and/or cysts are up to again at that time.  My second prolactin test results still came back a little elevated so we will discuss next steps with the doctor at that time as well. 

So January is a month of waiting.  It's really frustrating for me that things just can't go right for me! I'm not stressing about it as much as I did in the beginning but I still just can't help feeling hopeless and like it's never going to happen.  I am also nervous about my doctor's appointment because if he has bad news, I'm going to lose it! Every test that comes back normal just means that it's something worse. Cole has been amazing at trying to brighten my spirits and positively states that we're gonna get pregnant this month with no help or treatments! I hope he's right... If not, February we will hopefully be cleared for Tetrozole and we are thinking more seriously about insemination.

As always, thank you for reading my blog and for all your prayers, thoughts and kind words!

New Year, New Changes

Hope everyone had a wonderful New Year! 2013 is going to be my year!! Lucky 13

I had an appointment with a Nurse Practioner at the Reproductive Medicine Center on Monday, Dec. 31st.  We went over all my medical history and Cole's history, had an ultrasound done and did some blood work.  There was a lot that we talked about and a lot of information thrown at us so I'm going to try to keep it all straight!

- The ultrasound showed that I ovulated out of both my right and left ovaries this month which means that they are working so that is a good sign! When I took a blood pregnancy test though it was negative, meaning something still isn't working.  So we dodged the "twins-bullet" this month! But she said that my uterun wall is thick and healthy.

- She also said that it is really uncommon to be on Clomid for as long as I have been and told me to stop so that will be nice to feel a little more normal.

- I should be getting my period in the next day or so, and I will be starting a new treatment.  I will be starting Letrozole which is considered a "back door" drug that hasn't been approved by the FDA for infertility but has shown great results.  And it has less side effects than Clomid so thats good. They will also monitor me in greater detail, I have to go in on day 2,3 or 4 of my cycle to have some more tests done, and then also on day 12 to be tested for ovulation.  We then have the option of being inseminated when we do ovulate but its $800 out of pocket (looking in to see if insurance covers it) and that it doesn't greatly increase our chances but it does increase our chances.  We may just try this drug this month and do natural conception and if it doesn't work we may try insemination in February or March. 

- She also looked at Cole's results and stated that though it is considered in the normal range, it is in the low end.  She has suggested Cole go on a diet but doesn't think its necessary to medicate him at this time.

- We also met with a financial advisor and she gave us some prices (out of pocket) for our next steps in our goal to have a baby and let me say, not cheap!! But they do have payment plans if we need to, which is nice.

- I also had bloodwork done, as did Cole.  Cole gets a little whoozy around human blood so they made him lay down in the recliner in case he passed out! But he took it like a champ! I sat up like a big girl because blood doesn't scare me, just don't like how the needle hurts!! I gave 5 viles of blood for 8 tests to be done.  She wanted to check my thyroid again, it was still normal.  My pregnancy test was negative but if I don't get my period in a week, I'm supposed to retake the test.  My progesterone level was good. They also tested for a hormone called Prolactin, which causes irregular ovulation cycles and it came back slightly elevated.  She wants me to be tested again when I come in on cycle day 2, 3 or 4 just to make sure it wasn't a fluke.  We will go over next steps after those test results.  Still waiting on results of the other tests they had done.

- I also made an appointment with a specialist for the end of January, after my first cycle of Letrozole to have them look at my response to the drugs, etc.  But hopefully we cancel that appointment because I'm pregnant! Staying positive!

- We also talked about positivity and dealing with the stress of all of this and I am going to make an appointment with a counselor to help with this struggle.  This blog has helped me greatly but sometimes professional help is necessary.

- I still haven't made an appointment for acupuncture, going to hold off on that for now! But I am re-starting my 17 day diet on Monday (1/7) and starting bootcamp two days a week to help get back into shape. 

Thank you for reading my blog and please say a prayer for the new year that brings new and exciting things for me and Cole! And hope 2013 treats you all well too!!  

A Change...

I have some great news! Cole's results came back normal.  I am relieved and yet at the same time dissappointed because now I know for sure that it is all me. 

With the change of seasons and everything is white, I'm changing my life as well.  I have decided to start taking better care of myself physically and mentally.  I started the 17 day diet and have been doing very good so far! I'm eating healthier, watching my portion control and I've quit drinking! I have hid behind the excuse "I'm trying to get pregnant so who cares about my weight" for too long!! So lean meats, veggies, fruits and greek yogurt!! I've already noticed how much better I feel emotionally too since I've started eating healthier.

I am also thinking about acupuncture.  I've never done it before and the idea of being poked with needles isn't the most appealing but I'm becoming more open to the idea.  My chiropractor suggested acupunture for fertility so if any of you have any referrals, let me know! I'll let you know how it goes (if I go through with it).

I've also started another round of infertility drugs, clomid.  I was really hoping I would have exciting news at Christmas this year but unfortunately that is not the case.  As much as I love my OBGYN I think it's time for me to see a specialist.  I made an appointment in January at the Reproductive Medicine Center.  I'm hoping that I'll get pregnant this month and will be able to cancel my appointment but I'm having a hard time staying positive. 

That is all I have for an update.  I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers!

A Case of the Giggles

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!! I know that one person I am very thankful for this year is my hubby, Cole...

Start of November I started double dose of clomid so everyday is a constent battle to stay positive! I have had quite a few meltdowns... I am hyper senstive about everything! But Cole has been my rock and even at my finest, he sticks around!! Though everytime I get mad at him (for every little stupid thing) he asks me "are you really mad, or is this the clomid talking?"  Wanna KILL him everytime!! HAHA but he knows how much I am struggling with this and tries to help!

We also had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, Nov. 21st. This time it wasn't an appointment for me, but for Cole.  Now I know I'm suppose to be an adult and mature about all this stuff but everytime I read the word "ejaculate" and "masturbation" in the lobby that day, I couldn't stop giggling.  I was nervous!! And everyone in that office knew what we were about to do!! hehehe

We got into the room and this room is TINY!! It's a closet!! there's a sink, cabinet, tv/dvd combo (any guesses for what????) and a chair!! Well the nurse goes over everything and then asks if we want a video!! I quickly reply "NO!!" and she just laughs and says "oh, just thought maybe you wanted to have date night or something!" So my giggles become even greater at this point!! As we close the door, Cole starts filling out the paperwork and I am so nervous I am giggling profusely!! Can't stop! Cole looks at me, sighs, and says "I think things would be better if you just go sit in the waiting room."  So away I go to hang out and read a magazine...

So I'm sure you all are wondering the results. Unfortunately we won't know for 7-10 business days... So the beginning of December we should know something.  This might sound weird or terrible to say, but I'm kind of hoping that they say that his count is low.  It would make me feel better knowing that it wasn't just me... I know that might not make sense and I know its terrible to hope for something like that, but there is a small part of me that does and I can't help it!!

So for know we wait (patience isn't my strong suit)!! I will let you know more when I know more!! Until then, thank you again everyone for you love, support and kind words!! I really appreciate you all and am so thankful to have you all in my life.  Also want to give someone a special shout out for the wonderful card and the beautiful serenity prayer bracelet!! I will treasure the kind words and gift forever.

patience is a virtue

So I had another doctors appointment today and it came with good news and some irritating news. 

Cole came with me today.  I didn't really expect him to come today but I think he is becoming more supportive and wanted to hear from the doctor himself.  (it was also raining/snowing out so I'm sure he was happy not to be outside working)

Firstly, my doctor is a complete nerd.  He's so smart that he's almost socially awkward.  This was the first time he met Cole and I think its good to put a face to the name, for both of them.  I am also so impressed with how much my doctor knows/remembers.  Of course all the medical stuff is in the charts but he remembered things like when I said Cole worked out of town a lot. 

So we went over my ovulation cycles the last three months and he doesn't seem to be worried that I didn't ovulate in September.  He is going to up my dose of clomid from 50mg to 100mg.  It was really funny, Dr. M asks me if I feel nauseous, I say no, he goes are you moody at all? Cole just starts laughing as I say, yeah I have my moments. haha

He also gave Cole a really hard time about not going in yet for a semen analysis.  He sent us home with a big stack of papers with more information on it.  I think it made Cole less anxious about it, so we will be scheduling him in the next couple weeks.  I'm pretty sure the reason we haven't been able to get pregnant is because my "parts" aren't working.  But the doctor made a comment today that turned a light bulb in Cole's head, he said "Lets just rule this out before we look into the next steps.  Why make her go through more if it's not her?"  Cole's convinced that he's going to get a hot nurse to "assist" him... (good luck with that buddy!)

We also ruled out PCOS today which is great! He said that initially he would have tested for it but since I've been responding to the clomid and ovulating, that he doesn't think I have it. 

Since this blog was "released" my grandma called me and told me a little more detailed history.  I guess when my grandma was pregnant with my mom, she was given Thalidimide.  Thalidomide is a sedative drug introduced in the late 1950s that was used to treat morning sickness and to aid sleep. It was sold from 1957 until 1961, when it was withdrawn after being found to be a teratogen - a cause of birth defects.  It was the reason why my mom had complications with her pregnancies.  My grandma thought that it possibly was the cause of my birth defects (ear, etc) and maybe why I am having difficulties getting pregnant.  So I brought it up to my doctor today and he said he's never heard of it affecting a third generation and that not to be worried about.  (GOOD NEWS!!)

So hopefully this month was the month that we "got the job done" and we'll find out in the next couple weeks!?! Otherwise double dose of clomid crazies next month!! And Cole will be going in for his analysis.

Thanks for following my blog!

my thoughts...

Writing this blog has been so helpful for me.  It has been like a huge weight lifted off my chest.  I can't believe in the last few days since I shared my blog the outpouring of love and support I have gotten from everyone.  I just wanted to say thank you, everyone.

The kind words give me hope that no matter what happens, I have such a great support group!  I really like this blog to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head.  But I have found that this blog is also a great way for my readers to feel involved, and it's wonderful! 

One really sweet person said to me a few months back that if I can't have kids of my own that I can always adopt.  She stated that God knows that Cole and I would have enough love to take in a child that wasn't biologically ours.  I had never seriously thought about adoption until this person said those very sweet and supportive words to me.  I started to think about it more and more.  I have come to the conclusion that I would be interested in the idea to adopt a child, regardless if I can have any of my own. I think about the huge impact it would be on that child and on our lives.  I also found out that where I work reimburses up to 80% of adoption fees.  I know adoption isn't cheap, but I think it's something I really want to do.  Self fulfill and make a difference in the world.

Cole is more hesitant about adoption.  He hasn't lost one ounce of faith that we won't have children of our own.  If we don't adopt, I will be ok with that too.  It's something I am becoming more open to is all...  I don't want just a baby though, I want to be pregnant.  I want to hear my babies heart beat from in my belly.  I want to feel my baby kick and toss and turn.  I want to experience the miracle of child birth.  I want to see what kind of beautiful babies Cole and I can create together.  I pray everyday that God will grant me this wish.

I just want to go on facebook and not be sad everytime I see ultrasound pictures.  Pictures of people and their baby bumps.  I am so jealous it hurts.  I am happy for my friends and family, its a selfish feeling.  I hate feeling this way.

Sorry, that's enough pity party for one night.  But thank you all so much for you love, support and prayers!!