my thoughts...

Writing this blog has been so helpful for me.  It has been like a huge weight lifted off my chest.  I can't believe in the last few days since I shared my blog the outpouring of love and support I have gotten from everyone.  I just wanted to say thank you, everyone.

The kind words give me hope that no matter what happens, I have such a great support group!  I really like this blog to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head.  But I have found that this blog is also a great way for my readers to feel involved, and it's wonderful! 

One really sweet person said to me a few months back that if I can't have kids of my own that I can always adopt.  She stated that God knows that Cole and I would have enough love to take in a child that wasn't biologically ours.  I had never seriously thought about adoption until this person said those very sweet and supportive words to me.  I started to think about it more and more.  I have come to the conclusion that I would be interested in the idea to adopt a child, regardless if I can have any of my own. I think about the huge impact it would be on that child and on our lives.  I also found out that where I work reimburses up to 80% of adoption fees.  I know adoption isn't cheap, but I think it's something I really want to do.  Self fulfill and make a difference in the world.

Cole is more hesitant about adoption.  He hasn't lost one ounce of faith that we won't have children of our own.  If we don't adopt, I will be ok with that too.  It's something I am becoming more open to is all...  I don't want just a baby though, I want to be pregnant.  I want to hear my babies heart beat from in my belly.  I want to feel my baby kick and toss and turn.  I want to experience the miracle of child birth.  I want to see what kind of beautiful babies Cole and I can create together.  I pray everyday that God will grant me this wish.

I just want to go on facebook and not be sad everytime I see ultrasound pictures.  Pictures of people and their baby bumps.  I am so jealous it hurts.  I am happy for my friends and family, its a selfish feeling.  I hate feeling this way.

Sorry, that's enough pity party for one night.  But thank you all so much for you love, support and prayers!!